Confessions

I have been getting a lot of emails from friends and family that kinda sound like this:

"Wow Mei looks like you are having a great time out there.....Well talk to you later!"

And when I was having a great discussion with two of my friends out here during the Thanksgiving weekend we had a lot of the same feeling in common concerning our lives in Korea, our friends back home, and all that in between. So to all my friends and family back in the States that are reading this "These are my confessions"

• I am NOT having a wonderful time. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent one of my friends:

One thing I will say about Korea is that it makes me see me you know? There
is no room for a comfort zone I am so out of my element and all the time I feel
like I am fighting. And I get lonely you know? I got friends but sometimes my
heart gets lonely. Sometimes I feel so fake when people say how proud they are
of me and how much fun it looks like I am having cause honestly I don't like it
here. It's not fun its hard work and a growth process. They say they are proud
when I feel like I am moving backwards and everyday I am trying to find a new
view. You know I am more afraid of what I am going home to than what I am
staying for. Somehow it's easier to fail or struggle somewhere that isn't home.
I am blessed and my bills are getting paid I have the opportunity to see more of
the world and at the same time I feel as if I am being left behind. I know we
cannot measure our success by that of others but by that of our own happiness,
either way I feel like I come up short sometimes. I had suppressed my emotions
so much when I first got here that when I went to the movies on the first sad
scene I cried like my mother died, the movie was in Korean so you can imagine
how confused the rest of the audience must have been
I was watching a special with Alicia Keys talking about her album and how she went to Egypt alone, how sometimes you need that time to yourself and I agree. But I wonder if the very things I was trying to leave behind I brought with me? The same people same insecurities same fears same bad habits.

• We want to know what is going on in YOUR lives........

There seems to be this misconception that because we are overseas we don't care
about what is going on with all of you, or that we are too busy to sit down and
read long emails from all of you but we are not. The concept of isolation is the same as if we were in jail or in the service, we want a piece of home and you guys are it. We care about you and what happens to you. We all realize how much we miss in your lives like marriage, babies being born, and the small stuff like buying a cute dress or killer shoes on sale.

Please keep us updated because you are a part of our lives and we miss you. I think that since I go over seas often my friends are used to it and just look at it as nothing but for some others it is their first time abroad and they are having a hard time with the isolation. I got a Face book wall post from my Sands Monique and all it said was "I know you are away from your family so Happy Thanksgiving" and it meant the world to me. Just the acknowledgement that we are away and we do need that meant so much.

I hope this has opened some people eyes and you realize it doesnt have to be big things in your life, that the little things count too. And I am going to take my own advise and do more than just show you the events and picture happenings. I will stop making the assumption that no one is interested in reading my blog without pictures and actually make this a journaling experience. Besides it's fun and great therapy for me. So happy reading and please write back....